Memories

The other day I discovered that I exhibited a particular pattern of behavior when discussing finances. I would feel a hurt inside me and get teary-eyed. This behavior was unusual as there was no cause for the tears. I knew something on the subconscious level was happening. Eventually, I had to stop and ask myself “what is causing this?” Then suddenly a memory came.

When I was a young girl I learned that I may not have been wanted because I would be “another mouth to feed” and money was scarce. Thank the heavens that the thought of my non-existence was greatly opposed by one of my birth parents. And so, here I am.

The consequence of this knowledge has had a deep rooted negative impact all my life, though I wasn’t fully aware of it. I knew I experienced anxiety around the topic only if it involved another person. The lack of funds or the inability to give or contribute financially to others was equal to being unworthy or being a failure. And there is the root of it – “unworthy” in the eyes of those who matter.

The bad news is that I am now 50 years old and the deeply hidden, false feeling of unworthiness has had many years to entwine itself around my heart like a briar patch in a neglected lot. The good news is that I am now 50 years old and much wiser about handling misguided, deeply rooted negative thoughts. Now, the goal is to uproot this thorny invasion and cultivate a healthy, true mindset about my worth as it relates to money – which has no relation at all!

Why is this important for all of us to know? We may have bad memories in the deep, dark recesses of our mind that we are not aware of except for its manifestation in a particular behavioral pattern. When these behavior patterns emerge, we must ask, “what is causing this?” When we can get to the roots of these thorny memories, we can start weeding out the bad lies and cultivate the beautiful, colorful truth in its place.

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